Thursday, June 25, 2009

sucking air through a straw

I think I have finally figured out what is going on with ME. For the last couple of months I have just not "felt" like myself....a little off. I go through the motions of each day, but can't seem to get motivated fully. I now know what is happening....I am swimming under water trying to "suck air through the straw of life" You know when you look up toward the sky under water and everything is distorted....and looks distant....well...that is how I feel. I want to climb back to the top and grab hold of life.

Part may be that after losing my momma and having my father disown me...kinda left me floundering for "who" I am. I have a GREAT & AWESOME hubby and daughter...and my in laws are the BOMB! but, {yup - the illustrious "BUT"} I seem to be at a loss for "WHO" I am. Over the past several years I have been in therapy and been able to look back and study my childhood. I am not a fan of "blame the parents" .....but your parents are who shape and mold you and are supposed to "guide" you. Please do not get me wrong...I do NOT blame my parents for who I am today.....every experience I have gone through has brought me to "who" I am today.

A little history - my mother and father were of the era that the wife was "devoted" to the husband. He said breathe and she did. He gave her an allowance - because he did not want her to work. They held their monthly bridge parties, and she was the glamorous host at his business get togethers. Times have definitely changed!!! But about 16 years ago, my mother LEFT my father because she was tired of that life and wanted to become her own person. Have her own life and do what she wanted when she - she was tired of dealing with his bouts of depression {he did not get dressed for a whole year}

Coming up - I honestly can say I was a good kid. I never have tried drugs, I never snuck out or broke curfew. - now that is not to say that I did not drink, mess around and play pranks. My father had me studying ALL year, attending the best prep school all in the hopes to attend DUKE ~ HIS undergrad school. {as well as my mommas} Since birth it was drilled in me that I would go to Duke. Every ball I kicked, every day I volunteered at the hospital, every book I read was all for DUKE. Guess what....I went to NCSU!!!! go Wolfpack!!!! {could not get into DUKE}

I do not regret the life I have lived, but I do wish that I could have been allowed to follow my dreams. I loved to dance and did so for 14 years, but that was not something that I could pursue. I played soccer with reckless abandonment as well as fast pitch softball. I even was on a year round swim team for a while. I guess you can say I am VERY VERY competitive. I have always wanted to live at the beach, live a summer in Europe, and get in a car and just "GO". But...I has a "PLAN" - my father's plan. DUKE. {a little in site into my father....what he says goes, he gives advice, but if you do not listen to it and use it, you are WRONG}

I am now 38 and trying to figure out what I want to do. I am happily married {I married who I wanted to} and have a beautiful daughter. Yes I have many dreams, and one day they may happen. But I have a new outlook on life - I am not letting anyone dictate my life {except GOD} - squish my dreams and tell me that I am worthless. I even want to take more classes so that I can attempt a new career. GO ME.

So, now you can see how I can be in this "funk" I am trying to come up for air, and my hubby keeps reminding me that I am a GOOD and caring person. I guess it is time to visit my therapist again....register for classes next fall and begin the slow assent to the top of the "pool". I will find myself one day.......but until then, I am slowly "sucking air through a straw"

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

TIME Flies...wish I could

WOW - it has been FOREVER since my last blog!!! Sorry....I know that you all were sitting on the edge of your seats waiting!!! So much has seemed to pack itself into the last 2 weeks. Where to the short version:

1. Second CAT scan came back inconclusive about the "growth" on my liver. They "THINK" it is nothing....but can not SAY for sure. soooooo.....what to do??? HELLO!!!! BIOPSY - DUH

2. 3 days later - laid out on the CAT scan table having a biopsy of the liver.....thinking that "I am too young for this" {said the same thing about the colonoscopy!!!} {June 8th}

3. TEST results - hemangioma - YEAH!!!!!! {still not happy to have it though}

4. My momma's estate lawyer gives me good news that I may actually get some of my momma's items from my father - seems we struck a deal - YEAH!!!!! {this was about JUNE 10th}

5. Leave for the BEACH!!!! - this is a GREAT thing!!!!

6. JUNE 17th - get email from the lawyer that my father basically is NOT going to cooperate and refuses to share ANYTHING!!! and even wants me to hand over anything that was my momma's {ie. the furniture} - TOTALLY NOT what he and the lawyer talked about....and to boot - he has taken me out of his will and will take his grand-daughter out too if I dont "get my shit together" {this is coming from a man who has spoken to his grand-daughter about 4 times since OCTOBER 2008} So basically I have NO access to any pictures or anything that may be related to my mother. He is trying to cut me out totally.

7. Based on all the "fun" stuff going on with my father {and I use the term loosely} you can assume that I DID NOT contact him for Father's Day {I didn't last year either - when my momma was alive} can see there have been ups and downs. The Beach vacation was much needed and a welcome adventure. We go every year and meet up with friends ...... so relaxing!!! I will update with pics hopefully by tomorrow. Getting back into the swing of things is SLOW!!! Please bear with me.....

picture credit: ang brinker

Monday, June 8, 2009

Paitently Waiting....atleast trying!!

Anytime I look up and see a full moon....I am in awe!!! I love viewing that HUGE orb ~ especially while we are at the beach. Well.....we leave for the beach this coming Sunday - so I know that we will NOT have a full moon this year......We are having it right now - and it is GORGEOUS!!!!

I am kinda in a cloud with life going on around and around. Today I had a liver biopsy and I am trying to be paitent about the results. I reach age 38.....and it seems my body has decided to go to Hell !!!! posts have been and probably will continue to be sporadic. I am trying to get some organization ~ but it is not high priority at the moment. I do come on and LOVE reading everyone's blogs....they do keep my spirits up.

picture credit: blondierox4u
Every time we remember to say "thank you", we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Thank you for stopping by!!!

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Thankful Thursday - growing up

Today {and everyday} I am THANKFUL to God for giving me a daughter!!!! Today marks the end {*tear* tear*} of her 6th grade year.....and the beginning of a new adventure in 7th grade. I can not believe that we have 1 year of middle school under out belt. We are in the onset of puberty and I can tell I am NOT going to have a FUN ride!!!!! Girls really should come with a manual!!! I know I was a tween once....but that was soooooo LONG ago :)

A daughter is the happy memories of the past, the joyful moments of the present, and the hope and promise of the future. -- Author Unknown

What I wanted most for my daughter is that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be.-- Helen Claes

Every time we remember to say "thank you", we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Thank you for stopping by!!!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Wordless Wednesday ~ "Squirt"

Meet our newest family member ~ Squirt {not sure of the sex} ~ a Painted Turtle. I found it outside Bailey's school while she was swimming. Now "Squirt" is happily sun bathing on a log in Bailey's bedroom.

for more Wordless Wednesday ~ head on over to

Every time we remember to say "thank you", we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
--Sarah Ban Breathnach

Thank you for stopping by!!!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Tasty Tuseday

Not sure how many of you out there know - but I am Fructose Intolerent {my poor body can not metabolize certain sugars} Woo Hoo for me....because Fructose is in A LOT OF food that I LOVE!!!!!!!! It takes "reading labels" to a whole new level!!!! Thankfully my daughter is game and actually is my helper.

So ..... I will be featuring FRUCTOSE FREE recipies on Tuesdays. If you have any that you would like to share - please SEND THEM ON!!!!!!

Today's pick is:

Monterey Shepherd’s Pie
From the recipe collection of Doris Yield: six servings

6 medium potatoes
1 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese
1 cup Cheddar cheese
1 egg, slightly beaten
1 pound lean ground beef
1/3 cup celery, finely chopped
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
1 cup beef broth
2 Tbsp. cornstarch

Preheat oven to 3500 F. Peel and quarter potatoes, then simmer in water for 20 minutes or until tender. Drain and mash until fluffy. Add beaten egg and cheeses until combined; set aside. Brown ground beef; remove from pan to colander to drain excess fat. Sauté celery until tender; add seasonings. In separate bowl gradually mix cornstarch into beef broth until well blended; add to vegetable mixture, stirring constantly over medium heat until thickened. Add cooked beef. Stir tocombine. Place meat and vegetable mixture in bottom of a 10-inch pie pan. Spread potato and cheese combination on top of meat mixture. Bake at 3500 F for 30 minutes until light golden brown.

For more information and to see what type of restrictions that face us Fructose Intolerent people ~ check out this site: Fructose Restricted Diet Basics.

photo credit: varf
Every time we remember to say "thank you", we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Thank you for stopping by!!!