Taking the next step

She started walking when she was around 10 months old. The weather was getting warmer and the grass was growing....she explored everywhere. Mostly she ran around barefoot...but once in a while I squeezed her foot into those cute kids shoes.

Basically, we tossed her in the pool upon birth. She has been swimming ever since. The required attire for a swimmer...FLIP FLOPS!!!! It cracks me up to see all the kids in the middle of December fall out into car line all wearing them.

Today.....was another mile stone in our baby's life. There comes a time when you have to let the lil one begin to spread her wings. My baby girl who used to be at home playing play dough...is now wanting converse in every color and running off to the movies with her friends. She is giggling like crazy and swapping Silly Bandz. One second I see my little girl and then ....I glance back and see a teenager ready to burst out.

I love watching my little flower grow and bloom. Each milestone that is reached is awesome...but part of me is so not ready!!!

Silly ....with a side of Banana

Yes....It has been a VERY long time since I have posted. Life has a way of tossing you curves and I seem to have been manuvering those curves lately.

Here is a little recap:

* a most compassionate boss gave me the "you are laid off" the week of Christmas. Merry Christmas to me!!!

* 3 weeks of job searching....landed me a new job with a GREAT company working only 3 days a week.....so even though a curve was thrown......I was able to straighten this one out!!!

* Bailey has had more swim meets that I am not sure what pool I am supposed to be at. We have been to GA, Charlotte, NC and we are headed BACK to Charlotte next weekend.

* The "yucky" bug seems to like this family....Bailey has battled an inner ear infection, a double swimmers ear infection and a BAD cold....which she so kindly "shared" with me.

* My loving and wonderful hubby is on a mission....to get a Jeep. I am all for this ...now do not get me wrong.....but he was trying to do it without selling his truck!!! NOT HAPPENING!!!! soooo....if anyone is in the market for F250....give ma a buzz.

I have come to a decision. Most people make their New Years Resolutions on Jan 1st.....well......I guess I am a little slow. Most people choose to get in shape {which I swear I am going to do}, me.....I am going to SSSSSLLLLLOOOOOWWWWW down. Life seems to be swimming by at an alarming rate and I am not ready. I want to slow down, make more time to smell the roses.

My first step ......well...to post here. Second....tidy up my house today so that I have free time with the family tomorrow and Sunday. Third.....go on a date with my hubby tonight.

So ~ while life can toss you a curve ball....hold your head high, give a little giggle and press on.

You found WHAT ......Where???

Last week was 9/11. I did not know anyone personally that was lost that day, but my husband is a fire fighter and I am so proud of all the people that serve this country. I was listening to a local radio station yesterday morning and what I heard was alarming ~ but not so very surprising. A woman had called in. She was traveling by plane from the RDU to I believe somewhere on the west coast and even had to change planes. She had a laptop {her sons} that was her carry-on ~ here at RDU she pulled the laptop out from the bag and placed both on the conveyor belt at the security stop. Everything looked good and she boarded her plane. Her trip was great. As she prepared to pack up to head home, she began to pack up the laptop. She opened one of the side compartments on the laptop bag and found a SIX inch pocket knife!!!! This bag had not left her side during her whole vacation....which means that it was there when she went through security in RDU...and their X-Ray machine did NOT pick up on it. THIS FREAKS ME OUT!!!! If this got through....what else is getting through???? I truly do not believe that after 8 years, we are any better protected from an attack. Next time I fly, I will most definitely be praying the WHOLE flight.....

sucking air through a straw

I think I have finally figured out what is going on with ME. For the last couple of months I have just not "felt" like myself....a little off. I go through the motions of each day, but can't seem to get motivated fully. I now know what is happening....I am swimming under water trying to "suck air through the straw of life" You know when you look up toward the sky under water and everything is distorted....and looks distant....well...that is how I feel. I want to climb back to the top and grab hold of life.

Part may be that after losing my momma and having my father disown me...kinda left me floundering for "who" I am. I have a GREAT & AWESOME hubby and daughter...and my in laws are the BOMB! but, {yup - the illustrious "BUT"} I seem to be at a loss for "WHO" I am. Over the past several years I have been in therapy and been able to look back and study my childhood. I am not a fan of "blame the parents" .....but your parents are who shape and mold you and are supposed to "guide" you. Please do not get me wrong...I do NOT blame my parents for who I am today.....every experience I have gone through has brought me to "who" I am today.

A little history - my mother and father were of the era that the wife was "devoted" to the husband. He said breathe and she did. He gave her an allowance - because he did not want her to work. They held their monthly bridge parties, and she was the glamorous host at his business get togethers. Times have definitely changed!!! But about 16 years ago, my mother LEFT my father because she was tired of that life and wanted to become her own person. Have her own life and do what she wanted when she wanted.....plus - she was tired of dealing with his bouts of depression {he did not get dressed for a whole year}

Coming up - I honestly can say I was a good kid. I never have tried drugs, I never snuck out or broke curfew. - now that is not to say that I did not drink, mess around and play pranks. My father had me studying ALL year, attending the best prep school all in the hopes to attend DUKE ~ HIS undergrad school. {as well as my mommas} Since birth it was drilled in me that I would go to Duke. Every ball I kicked, every day I volunteered at the hospital, every book I read was all for DUKE. Guess what....I went to NCSU!!!! go Wolfpack!!!! {could not get into DUKE}

I do not regret the life I have lived, but I do wish that I could have been allowed to follow my dreams. I loved to dance and did so for 14 years, but that was not something that I could pursue. I played soccer with reckless abandonment as well as fast pitch softball. I even was on a year round swim team for a while. I guess you can say I am VERY VERY competitive. I have always wanted to live at the beach, live a summer in Europe, and get in a car and just "GO". But...I has a "PLAN" - my father's plan. DUKE. {a little in site into my father....what he says goes, he gives advice, but if you do not listen to it and use it, you are WRONG}

I am now 38 and trying to figure out what I want to do. I am happily married {I married who I wanted to} and have a beautiful daughter. Yes I have many dreams, and one day they may happen. But I have a new outlook on life - I am not letting anyone dictate my life {except GOD} - squish my dreams and tell me that I am worthless. I even want to take more classes so that I can attempt a new career. GO ME.

So, now you can see how I can be in this "funk" I am trying to come up for air, and my hubby keeps reminding me that I am a GOOD and caring person. I guess it is time to visit my therapist again....register for classes next fall and begin the slow assent to the top of the "pool". I will find myself one day.......but until then, I am slowly "sucking air through a straw"

"The Crack~Up"

"Of course all life is a process of breaking down, but the blows that do the dramatic side of the work - the big sudden blows that come, or seem to come, from outside - the ones you remember and blame things on and, in moments of weakness, tell your friends about, don't show their effect all at once. There is another sort of blow that comes from within - that you don't feel until it's too late to do anything about it, until you realize with finality that in some regard you will never be as good a man again. The first sort of breakage seems to happen quick - the second kind happens almost without your knowing it but is realized suddenly indeed. Before I go on with this short history, let me make a general observation - the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise."

-F. Scott Fitzgerald, essay: "The Crack-Up", February, 1936

Every time we remember to say "thank you", we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Thank you for stopping by!!!

The 2 for 1 Meme ~ Happy Mother's Day

1. What is on the walls of your room? wallpaper...we have not gotten around to decorating b/c I plan on redoing the room...

2. What type of music do you listen to? all kinds...I love dance, pop, country

3. What do you want more than anything right now? to talk with my mother

4. Do you get scared in the dark? depends...sometimes it is peaceful...but if I hear "Bumps" in the night...yeah maybe

5. What's you worst fear? death

6. If you could anything right now, what would it be? pay all the debt for my hubby's companies

7. What’s the most meaningful gift that you’ve received? the last 2 years of my momma's life were a TRUE gift!!! the time we shared together

8. Do you have a crush? yeah - sshhh...don't tell my hubby :)

9. Who is your favorite celebrity? hhmm....Johnny Depp

10. Could you fall in love with someone that you know must leave? love happens and knows now boundries

11. Share a favorite quote of yours. Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time. ~Oswald Chambers

12. What’s your weakness? I am soooo impatient

13. Do you believe that we all have a soul mate? I believe that there is someone out there for everyone.

14. What were you doing before Sunday Stealing? creating a card for my mother in law.

15. What do you get complicated about the most? that would be family...life with them can be soooo complicated sometimes

16. What turns you off the most from a potential partner? body odor

17. What is you worst habit? being LOUD

18. When was the last time that you were jealous? been awhile

19. Have you ever had a “friend with benefits”? yeah - haven't we all???

20. Do you use sarcasm? sometimes...

21. At the moment, what’s you favorite song? don't have 1 in particular...like a lot of songs

22. What is you favorite day of the year? EVERYDAY!!! that the Lord blesses me with another sunrise

23. Describe your love life. I am married to the sweetest man in the world...he is my hero and my shinning knight

24. When was your last one night stand? goodness me...well over 20 years!!!

25. How many past lovers are too many? when you begin to forget how many b/c the list is so long





Every time we remember to say "thank you", we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Thank you for stopping by!!!

The REAL Me....

I dont think I have really introduced myself or my family..the ones in my life who inspire me!!!

I am 38 {but like to think of myself as being Forever 29} and married to the LOVE of my life. I was born in the SOUTH, and currently reside in the South ~ NC {I try not to claim the 8 years I spent above the Mason Dixon Line}

You see...my parents must not have loved me {or they loved me too much} and sent me to boarding school in CT. It was an all girls school. I met some wonderful friends there ~ but now that I look back on things...I really would much rather have gone to the local school here in NC. Leaving home at 14 was REALLY tough ..... we will get back to that subject in a minute.

I met my hubby in my last year at NCSU {got my degree in Accounting} at the local country western bar ~ The Longbranch {now closed ..boohoo} took about a month - but after that we were inseperable and have been together for 16 1/2 years...married for almost 13 {in June} When we began to plan the wedding....my parents didnt really want anything to do with it...they claimed it was my soon to be hubby...and that I was making a mistake. Getting married without your parents there is ...well...HARD!!! {I learned much later on that my momma had NOTHING to do with it all...it was my FATHER ~ who has chosen NOT to be a part of our lives}

Our wonderful daughter came into this world 11 1/2 years ago and has been a BLESSING to us everyday!!!! Along with her came PPD!!! I kinda ignored it for a year or so...but when I got tired of being angry all the time and very moody...I decided to do something about it.

After 2 years of hit or miss therapy....I finally found a therapist that TRULY helped me. After talking with me for about a month...she came to the conclusion that I acutally had been clinically depressed since I was about 15. {back to being shipped off to school} The lack of a relationship with my father did not help it any.....sooooo ~ she put me on Effexor XR. Now..I have tried several other types of meds with no real effect.....but within a few weeks...I felt like a new person. Combined with therapy and meds.....I finally feel like I am learning WHO I AM!!!! and what I WANT in this life. {not that I was put here to please my father's every whim}

When my momma was diagnosed with cancer....well...depression HIT HARD again ..... I now knew what those people felt like on those commercials about depression {can't really function} my therapist UPPED my meds to the highest level.....and I FELT as normal as could be. In her last year in half - my momma taught me so much about LIFE.....and we became so close....I got to know my momma in a whole new light.

My family has been so supportive and been right with me everystep of the way. I lost my momma in October '08.....it was a struggle but I am making it. Life has its ups and downs ~ but I am learning to let the small things slide. I need to be more patient, learn to say NO and take more time for ME! I hope to one day come OFF the meds....and do it on my OWN!!! My mother and father in law have been a HUGE blessing in my life too!!! even more so since my mothers' passing..I credit my mother in law for teaching me how to "WING IT"

Now you have a little insight into WHO I am .....and this BLOG is my way of dealing with LIFE!!! It helps me keep my sanity :) Besides my family....my friends are a TRUE GIFT and help make life sane and FUN!!!

Depression is REAL.....listen and look for the signs. Not just YOU suffer...but everyone who touches your life. Want to learn more....check out this SITE


Every time we remember to say "thank you", we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Thank you for stopping by!!!

Graces in my Life 3/365

wow....so much to be thankful for!!!

1. All the wonderful memories I have flooding into my heart about my momma....missing her terribly!!!

2. The sun is shining!

3. My daughter has the chance to fish with her Papa

4. having the best hubby in the world...one who has been there every step of the way and held my hand through all my tears over losing my momma

5. GREAT books!!! must read author - Therese Fowler!!!!



Every time we remember to say "thank you", we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Thank you for stopping by!!!

Graces in my life 1/365

WOW - I am so exctied that I found this group GiST. I am thankful for so much and over the past several years have been blessed tenfold. I will do my best to post everyday....but .....life does have a funny way of getting in your way sometimes!!!

So.....this is what I am thankful for today:

1. phone call from my daughter while at work today

2. hearing my nephew call for me when he can't find me {Elizabeth is hard to say for a 2 year old}

3. the soft and snuggly sheets that went onto my bed right out of the dryer last night

4. for my co-worker LOVING my new haircut and telling me it looks EXPENSIVE....woo hoo {still trying to get used to the shorter hairdo}

5. the extra 45 minutes of extra sleep that I got due to spring break!!!!



Every time we remember to say "thank you", we experience nothing less than heaven on earth.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Thank you for stopping by!!!

Ack...Ye gosh....

Ok.....I am on a mission to reduce the amount of stress in my life b/c my body is reacting and not in a good way. So I do what I normally do in a situation like this and need answers...I GOOGLE!!!! soooo....this is what I have found:

Guided Imagery - OK...since I really have a HARD time controlling my mind as it is {one reason I am stressing} how am I supposed to GUIDE it!!!!

Self-Hypnosis - Zzzzzz

Autogenics - And what is THIS????

Journaling - Does this Blog count????

Meditation - I try and meditate everyday {oh - not on the toilet- my bad}

PMR - I have PMS...is that close ???????

Yoga - I can get into this!!! I know the greatest teacher!!!

Breathing - HELLO - don't I need to do this anyway ??? nothing new here

Playing Games - and this relieves stress how when you are competitive????

Sex - yup - I am female.....

Laughter - Trust me I am giggling...still trying to figure out PMR...

Biofeedback - from whom ???

Music Therapy - Finally something I do EVERYDAY!!!!! I listen non stop!!!

Take a Walk - does walking to and from the car count???

Plant a Garden - I would....but I have to get rid of the weeds first

Time Management - HELLO - that is part of my problem...managing the LACK of time that I have in my life!!!

Listen To Music - didn't we already address this ???

Eat a Balanced Diet - WHAT - cookie dough and pop sicles are not a balanced diet???

Learn Assertive Communication Skills - I am assertive in my communicating...MY WAY or the HIGHWAY!!!!

Enjoy Aromatherapy - I dont think my hubby's poots is exactly what we are shooting for here...

Reduce Caffeine Intake - HELL NO!!!! gotta have my coke zero or the stress of a HEADACHE will be out of this WORLD

Drink in Moderation - FINALLY something I am good at.....I dont drink :)

Don’t Procrastinate - PROCRASTINATE.....hello - I am stressed b/c I do not have time to put anything OFF!!!!

Drink Green Tea - not into the whole tea thing....

As much fun that list was....there were a few ideas I could actually work with. I also found some items to add to it:

1-massage therapy - NOW WE ARE TALKING!!!!

2-have fun! It's not a dirty word! Play! Do something you used to do as a child or long ago before you had all of the commitments, such as play with an electric train or eat cotton candy at the fair.

3-do something you like, such as shopping or go to a movie or dancing

4-treat yourself, a new outfit, a haircut, all day spa, buy a new outfit or if you're a guy some new power tools! - SHOPPING

5-talk to someone, talking relieves stress, esp. for women, knowing someone else understands and hears you without judging or necessarily offering advice.

6-sleep more. Lack of sleep leads to stress, this is a viscious cycle. more sleep can leave you stress free.

7-take a multivitamin

8-stretching. very important, it releases stress out of your body

9-time for yourself. you're giving and giving. take time for yourself.

10-faith. get closer to God, faith is a big stress reliever, cast your cares.

11-look at things in a more positive light

12-cut down on bad news on tv and other media - HELLO!!! tell them to produce HAPPIER NEWS!!!!

13-don't let your imagination run away with you, don't dwell on negative things that could happen, such as distasters or tragedies, don't imagine the worst. - Harder than ya think!!!

14-smile more

15-lighten up(your colors that is) Whites and yellows and light blues are proven to be happy colors, as opposed to reds and blacks and brown and gray and dark blues.

16-don't let people get to you, they may have a problem and they're taking it out on you. It's not you.

17-read. get caught in a love story or in a "who done it" story, escape for a little while.

18-get away take a trip, a vacation

19-find your passion in life, a hobby painting, gardening, writing, cooking, etc

20-nature can be very relaxing

Life is a GIFT

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever...-- Isak Dinesen

Joyeux anniversaire

Today.....39 years ago....my wonderful hubby made his entrance into this world. If you ask him ~ he will say he was the "BEST" birthday gift EVER for his brother. See....his brother James was ALSO born today about an hour earlier....EXACTLY one year before! Guess we all know what momma was doin :)

Anywhoo.....since I am having my procedure tomorrow ~ I am on an all liquid diet {which totally is SUCKING!!!} which means we are having to put off the family dinner. But that is alright....Bailey is going to make brownies today. Tomorrow I will grill steak, make corn pudding and cook some yummy lima beans {Bailey chose the menu} Then on April 23rd...we are off to see Jimmy Buffett with some friends!!!! So this birthday will actually strecth over several weeks....which makes it more FUN!!!

I hope that Keith and James have a BLESSED day with many more to follow!!!!

Joyeux anniversaire

Woe as me....

You wanna shriek...yell...collapse. Drama....it sneaks into every corner of your life. We try and run from it, some embrace it, me ~ I abhor it!!!!! welll...at least when I am overwhelmed with it.

For some reason ~ this week has started off with TONS of drama...causing the "oh woe as me" feeling!!! {letters from my lawyer, car issues, money issues and upcoming procedures} Emotions running the gamut from estactic...to wanting to crumble up into a ball.

Tomorrow is another day....the sun will rise {may be hidden by those stinkin clouds} to shine down on my face to remind me that I am "ALIVE" for another day!!!! so BLESSED!!!





pic from: Sally Weiner

Not Ready.....

Remember how toddlers hug and we thought it was cute??? WOW....I am soooo NOT ready for the next stage in my daughter's life. I just dropped my daughter off at a friend's home for a sleepover that leads to a boy/girl party tomorrow evening!

My daughter is 11 1/2......this will be her second boy/girl party. As we get closer to age 12 {August} and the ever present "puberty" ~ I begin to FREAK!!!!! I am not ready for any of it...I know that it is coming and there is not a SLOW down button {why can't we control everything with a remote?} ............

soooo I have to breath slowly, trust I have done my best and let my daughter blossom and grow. I try and look back when I was going through this phase.......and remember that my momma never was really there. That is my promise to my daughter ~ I will be there no matter what to guide her and answer any questions. But it does not make that gut feeling any less......excited to hear about her first kiss....but soooo NOT ready at the same time!!!!

100 Random Ramblings about MOI

Found the idea on another blog....thought it would be FUN!!!

~I have the bestest hubby in the world...we have been together for 16 1/2 years ~ love HIM
~having a child was scary and wonderful at the same time....love my daughter
~I love pasta....with bacon bits and cheese
~I am addicted to Coke Zero
~I want to live on the beach one day
~I love to take pictures...hope to have a nice camera one day
~I love all my friends
~I have the most wonderful in-laws every
~I have pectus escavatum {sunkin chest}
~I can shoot a gun
~I went to boarding school
~I want to get a designer dog
~I miss my momma VERY much
~I hope that my father will accept me for ME one day
~I hope that my father does not pass on knowing his granddaughter
~I hope to own a Toyota Twin Turbo Supra one day
~I am working toward redoing my home.....it is a slooooow process
~I am a Capricorn
~I have a belly ring
~I want to get a tat
~I am lazy
~I want a flat stomach ... either by exercise or surgery
~I want to work for the SBI
~I love crime investigation
~I am a Claude Monet fan {have the water lillies print}
~I love dancing {even on a bar}
~I met my husband at a country bar
~I love watching musicals....lovin some Mamma Mia
~I saw the orginal Star Wars {1977} 12 times in the theatre {I was only 6}
~I took dance for 14 years
~I want to snow ski out west
~I want to take my family to Scotland
~I want to see a play in NYC - one a day for a week
~I want to drop everything and travel the world
~I want to go to each Nascar race for a year
~I think Reba is a terffic woman
~I love raw cookie dough
~I love to make handbags
~I love to make my own cards at Christmas
~I want to find the Llardro nativity set {it has been discontinued}
~I hope my daughter can make it to the olympics ~ swimming
~I want to be able to swim a mile {close to my daughters time}
~I want to master one song on World Tour guitar hero ~ on the drums
~I grew up swimming, dancing, playing soccer and softball
~I can talk to anyone
~I am crazy
~I have a hard time saying "NO"
~I refuse to wear panty hose
~I LOVE my 4" peak - a - boo platform shoes
~I was New England All Star Catcher my senior year in HS
~I love to play soccer
~I find watching sports is hard to do...I would rather play
~I love jumping on the trampline with my daughter
~I love to find MEGA sales on clothes
~I go shopping on my birthday every year {my gift from my momma}
~I wish my birthday was not so close to a holdiday
~I think Ho Ho Kus is a great town to live in
~I want to take classes in criminal justice
~I would love to be a PI
~I love swimming in the ocean
~I thing Boca Grande is the prettiest place on earth
~I love to cuddle with my cat Socks
~I love the color periwinkle
~I would like to visit every state in the US
~I want to visit the Dali Lama
~I think writing a book would be fun
~I would like to grow my hair out
~I lived in NJ and CT
~I want to buy 2 wave runners
~I want my daughter to learn to water ski
~I am not ready for my daughter to reach puberty
~I have been in every state on the east coast
~I want my friends in Vegas to move near us
~I like organization {but find it hard to accomplish}
~I hate to clean
~I think Dark Chocolate is the next best thing to sliced bread
~I can not turn down ice cream
~I have to have atleast 4 pillows in my bed
~I hope our Sunoco store becomes the BEST store around
~I want to make it to my 50th wedding anniversary
~I love to read
~I worry about others too much
~I am concerned that people will not like me
~I am a LOUD person
~I am very proud of my husband
~I would love to learn how to paint
~I would like to finish my daughter's scrapbook
~I would like to learn to fly a plane
~I have never been in a helicopter
~I think hearing a child laugh is the warmest feeling
~I have sung to my daughter every night before bed
~I love BBQ grits with salmon
~I treasure my beach trip with the family every year
~I love watching my daughter swim
~I am not fond of people who are ignorant and immature