Thursday, June 25, 2009

sucking air through a straw

I think I have finally figured out what is going on with ME. For the last couple of months I have just not "felt" like myself....a little off. I go through the motions of each day, but can't seem to get motivated fully. I now know what is happening....I am swimming under water trying to "suck air through the straw of life" You know when you look up toward the sky under water and everything is distorted....and looks distant....well...that is how I feel. I want to climb back to the top and grab hold of life.

Part may be that after losing my momma and having my father disown me...kinda left me floundering for "who" I am. I have a GREAT & AWESOME hubby and daughter...and my in laws are the BOMB! but, {yup - the illustrious "BUT"} I seem to be at a loss for "WHO" I am. Over the past several years I have been in therapy and been able to look back and study my childhood. I am not a fan of "blame the parents" .....but your parents are who shape and mold you and are supposed to "guide" you. Please do not get me wrong...I do NOT blame my parents for who I am today.....every experience I have gone through has brought me to "who" I am today.

A little history - my mother and father were of the era that the wife was "devoted" to the husband. He said breathe and she did. He gave her an allowance - because he did not want her to work. They held their monthly bridge parties, and she was the glamorous host at his business get togethers. Times have definitely changed!!! But about 16 years ago, my mother LEFT my father because she was tired of that life and wanted to become her own person. Have her own life and do what she wanted when she - she was tired of dealing with his bouts of depression {he did not get dressed for a whole year}

Coming up - I honestly can say I was a good kid. I never have tried drugs, I never snuck out or broke curfew. - now that is not to say that I did not drink, mess around and play pranks. My father had me studying ALL year, attending the best prep school all in the hopes to attend DUKE ~ HIS undergrad school. {as well as my mommas} Since birth it was drilled in me that I would go to Duke. Every ball I kicked, every day I volunteered at the hospital, every book I read was all for DUKE. Guess what....I went to NCSU!!!! go Wolfpack!!!! {could not get into DUKE}

I do not regret the life I have lived, but I do wish that I could have been allowed to follow my dreams. I loved to dance and did so for 14 years, but that was not something that I could pursue. I played soccer with reckless abandonment as well as fast pitch softball. I even was on a year round swim team for a while. I guess you can say I am VERY VERY competitive. I have always wanted to live at the beach, live a summer in Europe, and get in a car and just "GO". But...I has a "PLAN" - my father's plan. DUKE. {a little in site into my father....what he says goes, he gives advice, but if you do not listen to it and use it, you are WRONG}

I am now 38 and trying to figure out what I want to do. I am happily married {I married who I wanted to} and have a beautiful daughter. Yes I have many dreams, and one day they may happen. But I have a new outlook on life - I am not letting anyone dictate my life {except GOD} - squish my dreams and tell me that I am worthless. I even want to take more classes so that I can attempt a new career. GO ME.

So, now you can see how I can be in this "funk" I am trying to come up for air, and my hubby keeps reminding me that I am a GOOD and caring person. I guess it is time to visit my therapist again....register for classes next fall and begin the slow assent to the top of the "pool". I will find myself one day.......but until then, I am slowly "sucking air through a straw"

1 comment:

Tara said...

I admire you... brave to be able to face your past...we all have "things"...and can never go back. Sometimes i wonder too, but thank goodness we have amazing hubby's and kids...This is the real deal...this is true happiness and I'm so glad I have a chance at it...even if it's later in life. ♥