make them move.....

Spring break was last week and the weather was AWESOME!!!! So Bailey decided she wanted to go to the Museum of Life and Science in Durham...and take her little cousin Noah. So, off we went to see the space crafts, dinosaurs and butterflies.

Nothing is cuter than watching a 3 year old trying to catch a butterfly. Noah ran around the butterfly house determined to have one land.

But the funniest part came later when we made it to the dinasaur area. No matter how hard Bailey and I tried....we could not make Noah understand that we could NOT make those dinasaurs move. "Why" became his favorite word.

The afternoon was so much fun...full of running, jumping, digging and laughing. So much fun....that we wore poor Noah out.....

Ready . . . Set. . . Go!!!

Today is BEAUTIFUL!!!!! The sun is shining and it is a balmy 63ish. A perfect day to go door to door and raise money.

Ya'll know that our Bailey swims for a year round swim team...New Wave Swim Team. Every year they have a "swim-a-thon" ~ which wording we can not use...so we have a "Laps for Cash" and 5% of the money raised will be going to the Duke Children's Cancer Center.

This year, Bailey and several of her swim friends decided it would be fun to do it as a "GROUP". So last week, the parents put our heads together and figured since this was the only weekend that our children DID NOT SWIM {but there was a meet this weekend....just not for our swimmers} and the weather was GORGEOUS!!!

The plan was to have a about 5 of them all together go out in a neighborhood.....only 3 were actually able to make it. N, H and our B were really excited and had been practicing their opening lines all night. I have to say I am proud for them to want to actually do this....it is kind of intimidating.

After 3 hour and tons of walking and knocking...the 3 trooped back to the house.....with $380. They had so much fun and it was also a great learning experience....it takes guts to get shot down not once, not twice....but several times and keep on going. They found their rythym and worked as a team.

I am so proud that these kids were enthusiastic to help out and raise money for a good cause. They truly have become a family and back each other no matter what.

Silly ....with a side of Banana

Yes....It has been a VERY long time since I have posted. Life has a way of tossing you curves and I seem to have been manuvering those curves lately.

Here is a little recap:

* a most compassionate boss gave me the "you are laid off" the week of Christmas. Merry Christmas to me!!!

* 3 weeks of job searching....landed me a new job with a GREAT company working only 3 days a week.....so even though a curve was thrown......I was able to straighten this one out!!!

* Bailey has had more swim meets that I am not sure what pool I am supposed to be at. We have been to GA, Charlotte, NC and we are headed BACK to Charlotte next weekend.

* The "yucky" bug seems to like this family....Bailey has battled an inner ear infection, a double swimmers ear infection and a BAD cold....which she so kindly "shared" with me.

* My loving and wonderful hubby is on a mission....to get a Jeep. I am all for this ...now do not get me wrong.....but he was trying to do it without selling his truck!!! NOT HAPPENING!!!! soooo....if anyone is in the market for F250....give ma a buzz.

I have come to a decision. Most people make their New Years Resolutions on Jan 1st.....well......I guess I am a little slow. Most people choose to get in shape {which I swear I am going to do}, me.....I am going to SSSSSLLLLLOOOOOWWWWW down. Life seems to be swimming by at an alarming rate and I am not ready. I want to slow down, make more time to smell the roses.

My first step ......well...to post here. Second....tidy up my house today so that I have free time with the family tomorrow and Sunday. Third.....go on a date with my hubby tonight.

So ~ while life can toss you a curve ball....hold your head high, give a little giggle and press on.

Her memory lives on....

On October 7th, it will be a year since my momma passed. I am doing better...I don't seem to be crying all the time....but my heart strings still tug at all the memories. I was able to get my families photo albums from my father {took a lot of patience} and it is WONDERFUL!!! I now find myself sitting here reliving so many great moments with my momma.

I have thought of getting a tattoo long before my momma passed. I knew that whatever I was going to get would be with me forever, so I was taking my time in choosing the design....also, I admit...I was chicken!!! I also have been wanting to get my nosed pierced....yup - call me CRAZY!!!

So......what changed??? Bailey and I met my friend Jen at the mall on Saturday for a girls day. Over lunch, she asked if I wanted to go with her the next day...she was going to get a new tat. I figured that I may not be ready for my tat...but I would get my nose done.

Sunday - Jen and I head off to Warlock's to meet Mark. Jen new what she wanted...I was determined to get my nose pierced....but ~ it was not in the cards for me. The piercing person was not there.....so.....where did that leave me? Getting a tattoo. Standing there in the lobby surrounded by TONS of images....what to choose. I figured it was time....time to get my guardian angel. I asked if they had cancer ribbons....they were all pink, purple, multi color....but I new mine would be pearly. {lung cancer} I found the image above and new.....this was the one. I had it placed on the inside of my left wrist so that I can look at it every day, place it close to my heart and kiss it....knowing that my momma is always with me. It hurt like HELL...I can not lie...but I am so happy that I got it. no regrets!!!

So....what about the nose piercing...that will have to wait until another day.

Heartache

Would you give up your relationship with your spouse and child just to have a relationship with your parents? {more so just one of your parents} Is having the biggest house and all the newest toys what is most important and truly needed to make one happy? Supposedly to my father you do.

My father does not know how to "love" unconditionally. Over the years, I have learned that my father is the type that likes to keep up with the "Jones". Because it is name brand or cost a lot "MUST" make it better than the rest. My momma on the other hand, loved unconditionally. She welcomed my hubby right into her family, unlike my father. During my momma's illness, I learned that my hubby was not welcome into my father's life. I have struggled with my feelings and wanting a relationship for my daughter with her grandfather. But I do not believe in sacrificing my family just so I can have a relationship with my father. My husband does not beat me, does not belittle me, provides a home for us and does what he loves ~ runs 2 companies and is a volunteer fire fighter} We may not live in a huge home {yes...it is a doublewide}, our cars are paid for, my daughter is in private school, my daughter swims year round, we have a Wii, ipods, cameras, do not mind shopping at consignment shops and vacation at the beach every year. Ask my daughter and she would tell you that she is happy. I work part-time so that I can be there to pick my daughter up every day....yet my father is embarrassed of me and feels that I am not providing for my daughter. My daughter is caring and compassionate and loves to give to others. To me, this is providing!

I grew up in an affluent family and lived in a 4000 square foot home.....and honestly don't care. That is just stuff...FAMILY is what is important to me and if you feel you need to judge me on "WHAT" I have or do not have, then I actually feel sorry for you. I have finally come to the conclusion that I will NEVER have a relationship with my father.....because my husband and daughter mean the world to me!

When you look at your life, the greatest happiness's are family happiness's. ~Joyce Brothers

ps. can you tell which pair of jeans actually cost over $800?

Can you kick the Addiction?

I sent my baby off to middle school today {7th grade} and yes it is a Christian school, I know that she will not be shielded from all that scary stuff out there. What we did for fun back in the day is NO WHERE near what children do now. I am watching The Doctors this morning and they are dealing with teens and drugs and alcohol. It is becoming CRAZY out there and many teens are going to end up DEAD!!!!

I have dealt with many alcoholics in my life, my grandfather, my uncle, my father, my brother-in-law and friends. I have also seen what drugs can do to a person first hand..... What is hardest is that most of my family is in denial of their alcohol problems. The fact that someone has to have a glass {or 2} every day ....that is an alcoholic....you do not have to become "drunk" to be classified as an alcoholic.

What else is heartbreaking is when your family does not support those that are trying to help themselves. Once someone has admitted to having a problem and even makes the effort to get treatment, they have to make the biggest change by re-organizing their life. They have to find new friends and do things that help them to support themselves to stay "clean".... even if that means going to a meeting EVERYDAY!!! I have heard of someone who ended up back in treatment AFTER 22 YEARS clean!!! Addiction is a disease ..... and tempatations are always out there....but your family should be the BIGGEST supporters and REMOVE ALL temptations. . . . that means NO alcohol in the house!!!

I guess this show has hit me pretty strongly. I never have tried any drugs except alcohol thankfully, but I know that now a days, kids are trying more and more things. I often wonder where they come up with some of these ideas {who would have thought of putting vodka over dry ice and inhaling it????} I know my daughter is getting closer to her teen years and closer to becoming MORE independent and full of secrets. I just hope she can look back at her family and see what can happen when alcohol and drugs become the most important thing in your life. I think this is one of the greatest fears of a parent, along with your child becoming sexually active {thankfully we are not anywehere near that one!!!!} I can only talk with Bailey and be honest and open and PRAY everyday!!!

Even though my grandfather is no longer with us, my uncle and father are and I hope that one day they wake up and see what is happening to themselves before it is too late. I am very proud of my brother - in- law and I am proud to say that he is doing very well!!! We are supporting him in every way possible and he is CLEAN!!!!

Please....talk with your children and be open as much as possilbe.

Where did my lil girl go?

Today .... my baby stepped out of the car and began her 7th grade year. So many feelings for me....not sure what is going on in Bailey's mind other than "uuuuggghhh....6:30 is WAY to early!!! Where did my summer go?" I should be a "pro" at sending of my child to school ... I have been doing this since she was 4 ~ but I still want to grab her and not let go.

Rewind to 2001.....you were age 4 and getting ready to go off to K4 at Faith Lutheran. Cute bob, new uniform and a HUGE smile ~ you didn't even look back as I dropped you off in front of the school. That was one of the hardest days to go through.....watching my baby take her next step to growing up. Now it is 2009 .... and it still is hard to see you step out of the car and go off to your first day of SEVENTH grade!!! You now have contacts, a cute new haircut, a great new outfit and you are now OVER 5 feet tall!!!! AAAAHHHHHHH.....where did my little girl go????? I am so not ready for these TWEEN years. Not ready to see you "blossom"!!! Can I totally lock you in the closet until you are 30????

I hope today is GREAT for Bailey! I am still trying to figure out what to do with myself since I have lost my playmate. As it will take Bailey a few weeks to get back into the swing of school....I will have to get back into my life .... my house may actually get cleaned now!!!!

Happy First Day of School my sweet.....YOU ROCK!!!

sucking air through a straw

I think I have finally figured out what is going on with ME. For the last couple of months I have just not "felt" like myself....a little off. I go through the motions of each day, but can't seem to get motivated fully. I now know what is happening....I am swimming under water trying to "suck air through the straw of life" You know when you look up toward the sky under water and everything is distorted....and looks distant....well...that is how I feel. I want to climb back to the top and grab hold of life.

Part may be that after losing my momma and having my father disown me...kinda left me floundering for "who" I am. I have a GREAT & AWESOME hubby and daughter...and my in laws are the BOMB! but, {yup - the illustrious "BUT"} I seem to be at a loss for "WHO" I am. Over the past several years I have been in therapy and been able to look back and study my childhood. I am not a fan of "blame the parents" .....but your parents are who shape and mold you and are supposed to "guide" you. Please do not get me wrong...I do NOT blame my parents for who I am today.....every experience I have gone through has brought me to "who" I am today.

A little history - my mother and father were of the era that the wife was "devoted" to the husband. He said breathe and she did. He gave her an allowance - because he did not want her to work. They held their monthly bridge parties, and she was the glamorous host at his business get togethers. Times have definitely changed!!! But about 16 years ago, my mother LEFT my father because she was tired of that life and wanted to become her own person. Have her own life and do what she wanted when she wanted.....plus - she was tired of dealing with his bouts of depression {he did not get dressed for a whole year}

Coming up - I honestly can say I was a good kid. I never have tried drugs, I never snuck out or broke curfew. - now that is not to say that I did not drink, mess around and play pranks. My father had me studying ALL year, attending the best prep school all in the hopes to attend DUKE ~ HIS undergrad school. {as well as my mommas} Since birth it was drilled in me that I would go to Duke. Every ball I kicked, every day I volunteered at the hospital, every book I read was all for DUKE. Guess what....I went to NCSU!!!! go Wolfpack!!!! {could not get into DUKE}

I do not regret the life I have lived, but I do wish that I could have been allowed to follow my dreams. I loved to dance and did so for 14 years, but that was not something that I could pursue. I played soccer with reckless abandonment as well as fast pitch softball. I even was on a year round swim team for a while. I guess you can say I am VERY VERY competitive. I have always wanted to live at the beach, live a summer in Europe, and get in a car and just "GO". But...I has a "PLAN" - my father's plan. DUKE. {a little in site into my father....what he says goes, he gives advice, but if you do not listen to it and use it, you are WRONG}

I am now 38 and trying to figure out what I want to do. I am happily married {I married who I wanted to} and have a beautiful daughter. Yes I have many dreams, and one day they may happen. But I have a new outlook on life - I am not letting anyone dictate my life {except GOD} - squish my dreams and tell me that I am worthless. I even want to take more classes so that I can attempt a new career. GO ME.

So, now you can see how I can be in this "funk" I am trying to come up for air, and my hubby keeps reminding me that I am a GOOD and caring person. I guess it is time to visit my therapist again....register for classes next fall and begin the slow assent to the top of the "pool". I will find myself one day.......but until then, I am slowly "sucking air through a straw"

TIME Flies...wish I could

WOW - it has been FOREVER since my last blog!!! Sorry....I know that you all were sitting on the edge of your seats waiting!!! So much has seemed to pack itself into the last 2 weeks. Where to begin....giving the short version:

1. Second CAT scan came back inconclusive about the "growth" on my liver. They "THINK" it is nothing....but can not SAY for sure. soooooo.....what to do??? HELLO!!!! BIOPSY - DUH


2. 3 days later - laid out on the CAT scan table having a biopsy of the liver.....thinking that "I am too young for this" {said the same thing about the colonoscopy!!!} {June 8th}


3. TEST results - hemangioma - YEAH!!!!!! {still not happy to have it though}


4. My momma's estate lawyer gives me good news that I may actually get some of my momma's items from my father - seems we struck a deal - YEAH!!!!! {this was about JUNE 10th}


5. Leave for the BEACH!!!! - this is a GREAT thing!!!!


6. JUNE 17th - get email from the lawyer that my father basically is NOT going to cooperate and refuses to share ANYTHING!!! and even wants me to hand over anything that was my momma's {ie. the furniture} - TOTALLY NOT what he and the lawyer talked about....and to boot - he has taken me out of his will and will take his grand-daughter out too if I dont "get my shit together" {this is coming from a man who has spoken to his grand-daughter about 4 times since OCTOBER 2008} So basically I have NO access to any pictures or anything that may be related to my mother. He is trying to cut me out totally.


7. Based on all the "fun" stuff going on with my father {and I use the term loosely} you can assume that I DID NOT contact him for Father's Day {I didn't last year either - when my momma was alive}


SO...you can see there have been ups and downs. The Beach vacation was much needed and a welcome adventure. We go every year and meet up with friends ...... so relaxing!!! I will update with pics hopefully by tomorrow. Getting back into the swing of things is SLOW!!! Please bear with me.....

picture credit: ang brinker